Life in a small town, The Inner Struggle

I changed my mind … what now?

Woke up today in a very dark place. At 5:00 AM the world is very dark here, but not as dark as the place where I was then. Looked at my wife of forty years, sleeping beside me.  Thinking about detachment.

Death takes everyone … death is what binds us all together … no one escapes, no one buys their way out, no one. No one, no matter the extreme sacrifices made on the alter of self to appease the gods of our secular lives, no matter the banality of the attachments of this world of flesh and passion and decay. No matter the pride and achievements in this short night in this bad hotel … no one … escapes … Brother Death.

I Am In thy Hands, O Mary”, Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist, Doctor Scott Piper, Sir Joseph Andrew Bogdanowicz, OP & Sr. Maria Miguel Wright, OP;  from the album “Mater Eucharistiae”, (2013)

Got up, had a long hot shower, put the wash on. Still in a very dark place. Thinking about detachment from material things, and especially creatures. Some creatures are hard to detach from, others go out of their way to make it easy, without realizing that is what they are doing, not realizing that they are so attached to themselves that there is no room for attachment to anything else.

Those self centered creatures are surprisingly easy to detach from but creatures where attachment is reciprocated, where there are mutual consolations experienced, are more difficult to approach true detachment from. Brother Death is the culmination of detachment. the ultimate detachment from material things and creatures.

Got dressed and headed out about 5:45 for a long drive in my 1 ton – I like to think while driving – silence – solitude – hum and rhythm of the pavement and the low rumble of the diesel … sometimes I get consolations and inspirations while driving like this.

I have been meditating on detachment for months now. Fasting brings a sharp focus to the concept of “detachment”. Been fasting, full fasts and 1 meal a day fasts since January 2017 now. Body is stable probably won’t loose any more weight unless I fast totally and continuously. Maybe that’s what I need to do. Having become seriously detached from food I now have a better understanding of what detachment from other material things and creatures involves.

Thinking about my father’s death 33 years ago. Thinking that he understood detachment, if not as a spiritual thing then as a rejection of a kind of slavery to material things. I think, like Roy Batty in the scene at the top of this post, he understood that it was “time to die”. At age 57 he stopped taking all his meds one day without asking permission and without consulting his doctor or anyone.

A few weeks later he collapsed and died after taking a long hot shower – massive brain Aneurysm – some of my family attribute the arterial weakness to an injury sustained while serving as a paratrooper in WWII. Whatever, he swore he would never grow old but would keep going full bore until he dropped and that is exactly what he did.

Detachment from all earthly things and creatures is certainly fully realized by Brother Death. And suicide is certainly not an option. On the other hand Brother Death has a comfortable feel, no fears, and end to all trials, peace, welcome. At times I envy my father. Here, at the end of all things, Brother Death takes our hand and leads us towards the light at the end of the tunnel of the tomb … and the light … is the glorious light of Eternity’s Sunrise, or the smoldering glow of Mount Doom.

Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ shall come again“, sung or chanted after the consecration, the Memorial Acclamation, at every Catholic Mass. This is the Christ who died, descended into Hell, then rose that Death shall have no dominion.

We live, if we live at all, in Him. He is The Eternal Sunrise. Lord, by your cross and resurrection, you have set us free. You are the Saviour of the world.

Changed my mind – lots of geese calling overhead on their southward trek … still lots of work to do before we are done … “Of easy wind and downy flake. The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep”

pray for a good day

Joe

 

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